By Kim and Jess of The Haute Life
When The Next Gentleman asked us what we, as women in our 40’s, have learned from dating and what we want in a romantic relationship, we tapped our fingers on our desk and pondered a seemingly simple, but actually very difficult question. What do we want from a relationship? Certainly love. But what else is important — security, friendship, passion?
As we check Valentine’s Day 2017 off our calendar, these two mamas are sharing and putting into the universe what the two of us have learned and what we want; true love.
I am not a serial dater. In fact, I may be the polar opposite.
I consider myself more of a spiritual dater, and by that, I mean there has to be a connection. There has to be good energy flowing between us; an attraction. And, I have to feel safe with you.
Online dating is way out of my comfort zone. I once got up in the middle of drinks and told the guy I needed to go. Every danger bell and whistle was going off in my head, and I had to bounce. I swore to myself I wouldn’t put myself in that position again. Had I met that person face-to-face, I would have picked up on that sense of danger and I wouldn’t have put myself in a one-on-one situation with him.
But, with that said I think everyone should do what feels the most comfortable for them. And to those who can conquer the online dating scene like a boss, God Bless You!
Dating is very different in my forties. The benefit is that I have a great sense of self and know what I can bring to a relationship. Know your worth!
What divorce has taught me is to take things slowly and really get to know the person you let into your life. Taking things slowly can be difficult, but like they said in When Harry Met Sally, “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
However, when you do find someone you want to get to know better, a new chapter of your life starts. So with a pen and a blank piece of paper you begin to write either your love story or your life lesson. My mentality with relationships is to write a great story, and to do that it’s all about being real and putting in the effort. Honesty helps to keep that pen flowing and to fill up those chapters!
So many people have a hard time being completely honest. The truth shall set you free! Words to live by. And yes, the truth can hurt; but don’t worry, it is only temporary. The truth actually heals; always remember that.
Another thing I learned through the decades, is the importance of a connection! It is so important to pump that connection with oxygen and kindness. The oxygen is communication and finding ways to communicate with one another is the fun part.
Words have power and so does touch. Don’t forget to touch me and let’s experience things together! Finding a balance with those things is so important. Life can make that so hard, but in the words of the late Jimmy Valvano, “Don’t Give Up, Don’t Ever Give Up!” Be each other’s teammates and find that balance.
Life has a way of tipping the scales on us, but it is important to try to bring them back to center for a while until the next life event tips the scales in your direction or your partner’s.
Lastly, I want the person to whom I am committed to see me. Look at me, but most importantly, look at my soul. Get to know all of me. What am I passionate about? What do I love most about myself and do you see that? Let me know you see me and love all those things about me. You want your ride or die girl?
Trust me on…
I’m a terrible dater. I’m probably a little too assertive, I don’t understand the art of being mysterious, and I refuse to comply with all of the “rules.” I am also a reluctant dater, which made the entire process even worse.
I met the man who would become my true love and my husband the summer after I graduated college. But, heartbreakingly, our time together was limited and he passed away three years ago from cancer. We had 16 years together.
So, I guess saying I was a reluctant and inexperienced dater is an understatement. At first, I never thought I would have the heart to date again, let alone get another chance at love. But, as the years passed, my heart started to heal and I opened my mind to the idea of moving on with someone else.
For several months, I played around in the world of dating. I had a few disasters, made a bunch of mistakes, and met a couple of people who became good friends or left a positive impact. But mostly, I learned so much about myself, my insecurities, and what I want from a relationship.
So, here it is: I want an epic love that feels like it was written in the stars. I’m pretty sure that’s not an Earth-shattering revelation. I hope we all want true love. I was lucky enough to have it once and I may have found it again.
But, if I want to keep it, I know there’s no place for pride or stubbornness. They will both undermine the bond and foundation of any relationship.
I crave lots of laughter. Just as pride can ruin a relationship, laughter can bolster love. There’s so much in life to take seriously, having someone who values smiling and having fun makes the journey all that much better.
I want my partner to be my confidante and my best friend. I want to be each other’s support systems. Love should never be insecure, that will only lead to jealousy or straying.
Honesty and trust are imperative. Without them, the relationship exists under false pretenses.
For me, I need someone with whom the conversation flows. Deep discussions about our most inner thoughts are how we build attachments and get to know each other.
I also have two little boys who are the loves of my life. If someone truly loves me, then they will love them too. This component of family might be one of the most important aspects of my perfect relationship. I want someone with whom I am inseparable; someone who values a life-long commitment.
My heart wants someone with whom I connect so deeply it feels as though we were made from the same star dust and have reconnected; finally being able to shine as our true selves. (Is that too much to ask for? ;))
I’ve been lucky enough to have that heart-stopping-take-your-breath-away love. It is the magic that makes fairy tales come true. If only for a moment, it is a magic that we all deserve to have in our lives. Never give up on love and true love will never give up on you.
From our hearts to yours, Happy Valentine’s Day.
Kim & Jess
The Haute Life